Courage

I want to live courageously. I can name several critical even monumental events in my life that have required magnificent courage, yet it's the small things that I avoid out of fear. Most of the fear in the small things have been unconscious until lately.

Like running, for instance. I don't plan to ever run a marathon, for the record. I've birthed three children naturally. I'm good. However, I've never demonstrated much stamina or endurance in running ever in my life. Sure, I played basketball, but I remember pleading with my high school coach to take me out because there were fresh legs on the bench. How lame is that. Softball and volleyball were by far my favorite team sports solely because they required less running. Running the mile in high school was a joke. I guessed I would stop before I even started. Dumb. Now that I've dropped the baby and Katrina weight (and some from college ;) too), I figured it was time to stop believing my own excuses and simply try to run a mile without stopping. I have three sons who are watching their dad run all the time. I see running as a family in our future possibly (you know, those two-mile "fun" runs), and I don't want to be on the sidelines. Not long ago I did it. I ran a mile. All it took was determination coupled with learning how to breathe. And, then I felt silly. Why was that such a deal? What else do I avoid or delay simply because I don't have the courage to go beyond where I've gone before?

I don't even know why I was afraid to keep running when it hurt. But when I am avoiding/delaying anything, I'm learning to ask myself, "What am I  afraid of?" Almost always, there is an answer. Sometimes I don't want to initiate a conversation with a stranger for fear that they won't think I'm worth having a relationship with. Sometimes I don't want to ask for forgiveness from someone I've wronged for fear of the embarrassment of not being right. Sometimes I don't want to be completely honest with Doug for fear that he won't respond even if he knows my feelings. Sometimes I don't want to ask someone for something for fear of being too needy. Sometimes I don't want to try something new for fear of failure. The list could go on. I'm determined to identify those fears and see them for what they are ... excuses not to trust God more.

The ironic part of the season I find myself in is that there is so much familiar yet there is so much new. I know my neighborhood. I've lived in my house for years. I've been a resident of this city for a long time. However, most of my time is spent in two communities that are brand-new to me. Even though it's just a short drive to that area of the city, I haven't needed to visit there much before. I always get lost even with my GPS. There are so many new relationships, those closest to me and those that are acquaintances. And even the most familiar ones, there's a year missing and it's taking time to readjust. And after all the "heart-work" in Little Rock, I'm looking at the familiar and the new through a set of lenses I've never used before. So much of it takes great courage ... but it's so worth it. And, one day, maybe it won't feel quite so courageous. It will just be the way I live. For Him. For His glory. Because that's all that really matters.

P.S. Just because I can, I'm taking swimming lessons within the year. Wink. Yes, I'm a Moyer, but I will learn to swim. It's just plain dumb that I can't.