Currently reading

Let me just say that I'm hardly ever drawn to nonfiction books of any kind. In fact, there are so many of these types of books that are on my shelf with a bookmark in the first or second chapter -- it's a crime. Maybe I'll enjoy an occasional biography, but that's it. Kimmel's book, Grace-based Parenting has held my attention with intrigue and persistent mental, spiritual reflection like few Christian "help" books. As Doug and I begin to define our parenting style, family corevalues, mom and dad personalities, I have sought for resources that confirm our scattered thoughts about our vision for raising our kids. Just like in every other aspect of our relationship ... because of our polar-opposite families and cultures of origin, it takes communication and respect for each other as we come together. For us, parenting is the same. The most important thing we realize is that we humbly recognize that life is a journey and parenting is an opportunity for us to grow. We're going to make mistakes and plan to admit them along the way.

I'm on the fifth chapter, so I'm still in the process. So far, Kimmel as laid the philosophical foundation ... Your child's three driving inner needs are a secure love, a significant purpose, and a strong hope. I know, everyone would probably agree with that, but I couldn't help but think of what the church has taught me about parenting. What's the first doctrine well-meaning believers remind brand-new parents? Total depravity. What's at the forefront of most sermons on mothering, fathering or parenting? Discipline. Now, please understand me ... I do believe in total depravity and discipline. I know my children can manipulate my actions by their behavior. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that the absolute most important thing we can teach our kids is that they are loved! (not only by us as their parents, but most importantly by God!) What does this say about how we view God as our Father -- a strict disciplinarian who makes sure we stay in line and, yeah, he loves us too but that's not primary. Bare with me as I "type" out loud. So, I wonder, as I look at the families around me whether at church, at the grocery store, at the mall, at a family gathering ... why is it that I don't see tender moments between parents and kids? I mostly see discipline. When do parents stop enjoying their children and showing them publicly that they are absolutely adored?

Here's some of his main ideas:
Making Love Secure:
1. Children feel secure when they know they are accepted as they are.
2. Children feel secure when they know they are affiliated with a loving and honoring family.
3. Children feel secure love when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.
Building Significant Purpose in Your Child:
1. Children feel significant when they are regularly affirmed.
2. Children feel significant when they know they have our attention.
3. Children feel significant when they are gracefully admonished.
Building Strong Hope:
1. Children develop a strong hope when they know their parents recognize their God-given abilities and liabilities and turn them into assets for their future.
2. Children develop a strong hope when their parents lead them and encourage them to live a great spiritual adventure.

Here's a couple of my favorite quotes:
Grace certainly has its share of enemies. There are those enemies who want to camp on the truth of the Bible and say that life is black and white with little nuance. Parents like Tom [sheltering, legalistic, strict] assume that to show grace is to go soft on moral standards. They get a lot of fuel for this skewed opinion of grace from the parents who use grace as their excuse for not enforcing rules. A family without clearly defined rules and standards could never be a grace-based family. It's too busy being a nightmare to live in.
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At the core of grace is love--a love that delights in us in spite of our sin and comes to us free of charge. Love emanates straight from the heart of God.
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Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost.
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Seasoning is like grace for our food. God wants us to send our children into the future equipped to offer that touch of grace to the people around them. God wants us to equip our chidren so that they leave our homes with such a clear spiritual purpose that it can add the right touch to whatever part of the world they may wander to.
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Grace-based parenting is a heart-activated plan that takes its cues from a daily walk with Jesus Christ.
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Raising children isn't a march with a distinct left-right-left-right cadence. It's a flowing dance where the rhythms change all the time. When we insist on distilling our roles in our children's lives down to a predictable cadence .... we may miss the greater opportunity to equip a child with a large capacity to hope and trust.
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More than enough is here to ponder ... and I'm anxious to keep reading. I'm sure more specifics on what this looks like and illustrations of Kimmel's own struggles to raise his own children with these principles are to come.